im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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