toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
