I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Randomize
