I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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