Need sex. Gaining weight.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
