There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
