Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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