So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize