Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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