Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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