Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Randomize
