the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize