my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
