In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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