These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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