I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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