Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
