I accidentally burped into my bong.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
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