i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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