cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
