I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am mentally ready for anal.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
