I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
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