So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
