Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
