Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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