Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
