So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
