went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
