imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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