your parents love me but you hate me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
