shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
