There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
