You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
