I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
