right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
