Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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