I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
