I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
