i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
