dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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