The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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