She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
