I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
