woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
