Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
