Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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