Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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