"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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