he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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