I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
