You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
