it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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