i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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