Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
