If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
